Over at The New Gay, Zack writes that almost anyone will recognize that homophobia is at play when a truck full of drunk straight dudes drives by you shouting FAGGOT. Yet Zack argues: "...the majority of offensive statements said personally to you about your 'gay lifestyle' come from the people that know you the best." Zack thinks the homophobia we most often experience comes from our families, our friends, or the co-workers we like and chat with.
He gives 10 personal examples to demonstrate his point:
- "But I wouldn’t think people could guess you’re gay. I mean, you’re still very handsome" - Zack's mom, upon his coming out.
- Maybe this is the kind of thing that not everyone has to know about you. You know, like it doesn’t have to be public information. - Zack's dad, upon his coming out.
- Don’t move in with him! You barely see your friends as it is. Well, you see all your gay friends. You just don’t see us. - Zack's straight former roommate on why she didn’t think he should move in with his boyfriend.
- Oh Zachary, you’re such a whore! I love it. - A straight male college buddy, every time Zack hooked up with anyone.
- Can we go? I’m the only one at this party who isn’t gay. - Another straight male friend, ignoring the fact that at every other party they had gone to together Zack was the only one who wasn’t straight.
- Uhh… my friend Jake… his 12 year-old son was babysitting for a family but that stopped when they caught him stealing the mother’s underwear. Does this strike any chords with you? - Zack's dad, confusing the tenets of homosexuality and cross-dressing. (And forgetting the staggering scope of adolescent male masturbatory habits.)
- Uh, we’re not freshman anymore. They’re the only ones who actually dress up for things like that. Well, I guess it’s ok for you to dress up… - More of Zack's straight college friends on why they are too cool for costume parties, but Zack was allowed to partake.
- Did you use a condom? - Any straight person when Zack first started having butt sex.
- It was really brave of you to wear that pink polo. I’m surprised you would take that risk. - Zack's sister, expressing surprise that he would “dress gay.”
- Please be careful. You know what gay men are like. - Zack's other sister, upon his first visit to a New York City gay bar at the age of 21.
Other reader comments argue, "But he is just a regular dude, except he's gay." Some argue that Zack's examples demonstrate something other than homophobia (though they don't really pin down what that other thing is...)
One guy named Rav (I get the sense from his comments that he's gay too, but maybe not?) says:
For what it’s worth, I kind of disagree with [5] being an example of, well, anything really. The fact is, growing up in a majority-straight world, we’re used to being the only gay - as far as we know - at a party, in a class, on a team or whatever. It’s just not an equivalent situation for a straight person to be the only one at a party. They’re not used to it!
And for whatever reason, most largely-gay gatherings take on a different tone to mixed gatherings, a tone that might not make a lot of sense to a straight person. Often a lot of the conversation is about either sex or “gay issues”. Hardly surprising - it’s a thing we all have in common. By contrast, it’s not like straight people getting together talk only about sex, relationships, and the future of hetero marriage.
I had a negative knee jerk reaction to Rav's reply. I'm imagining a Caribbean buddy taking me to dinner at his family's house and me leaning over and saying to him, "Can we go? I’m the only one at this party who isn’t black." What if they were even talking about something specific to the Caribbean? What if they were even talking in a tone that didn't make a lot of sense to me?...
You could say, "Yeah but in Ottawa, there are more white folks than black folks, so black folks are used to adapting to not being like other people in the room, but white people aren't. So if a white dude points out that he's not like everyone else there and it's making him uncomfortable, he's just describing reality."
Come on! He's describing his fear of not being able to access that invisible backpack of privilege he carries around with him where the world just kind of looks like him, talks like him, makes sense to him and caters to him. Instead he's having to find comfort in an environment based on his own effort instead of the colour of his skin. It's fear-based for a person who has the privilege of not having to feel fear too often.
What do you think? Are Zack's ten points examples of homophobia? And if they aren't, what are they?
3 comments:
Homophobia, yes sir. I agree. And number 5 is an example of being a BAD ally which will undermine relationships.
SW
I think most of these statements are not clearly homophobic. They are comments based on stereotypes and ignorance, a different world-view and value system. The 'irrational fear' that defines homophobia is not obviously present. I think people use this term too liberally. Just because a comment offends your values does not mean that the offender is homophobic.
I think you're comment is out to lunch Benjamin.
I think it's REALLY important to recognize homophobia specifically when it isn't cut-and-dried, blatant and obvious. This may seem a wacked out analogy but it wasn't until I had experienced an undeniable, this-is-a-fact rape before I was able to re-examine other, past experiences where consent was not present and name those too as sexual assault instead of just "shit that was fucked-up I had to get over or deal with". I think it's specifically the point of Nico's re-presenting Zack's post- that it's in these subtleties that real bias and anti-queer sentiment is housed and from people who care for us and feel comfortable with us. It is also in these relationships and instances that we have the opportunity to point out that these things *are* homophobic and are impactful.
It's not that the person saying them is homophobic but the language/values/beliefs behind it that are heterosexist or homophobic. For a helpful and applicable guide on how to deal in a situation when someone says or does something oppressive:
http://www.illdoctrine.com/2008/07/how_to_tell_people_they_sound.html
also I just have a beef with focusing on the 'anti-oppression workshop*' language of homophobia being defined as 'irrational fear' as a way to sidestep homophobia's presence and impact. Like it can be used as a technicality/loop-hole to describe one's own actions or those of people we care about as not homophobic for fear of upsetting them or ourselves.
(what? my boyfriend's a homophobe? but we're going steady! ::very confused sad face:: .)
I recognize that it can be really tough to call people out on shit, and to even believe that people we care about could do or say things that are homophobic but it's been helpful for me to realize that I participate in our anti-queer culture too. It's how we were raised (almost all of us anyway) and it takes a lot of considerate and consistent work to unlearn. But I think reading Nico's blog is one helpful place I've found to continue that personal work myself. here's to it!
::imaginary glass raised and clinking sound elicited::
*as someone who has delivered maybe a hundred anti-homophobia workshops using that specific definition of homophobia always hoping it wouldn't be re-framed with that tight a lens later in people's minds.
Post a Comment