How can I stop my friend from barebacking?

Every now and then while doing sexual health online outreach in gay chat rooms, a guy will ask me some variation of:

One of my good friends barebacks all the time. He's a bottom and, as far as I know, he's negative. I'm not sure what I can do to make him understand the risk he's taking and that he could end up getting infected. What would you suggest?

While the answer is really simple and straightforward, this question always pulls at my heart a bit because it represents one man caring for another. It's filled with the back story of a whole generation of men (and women!) watching their friends die. The guy who asks me this question has only good intentions based on a history of loss and a fear of a similar future.

Usually I begin by asking the guy if he thinks his friend actually understands the scientific risks involved in bottoming without condoms. In other words, does the friend know that anal sex without condoms is a high risk activity and that bottoming bare is the #1 way gay guys become infected with HIV through sexual means?

And almost always the answer is: Yes, he does. In one recent conversation the chatter replied, "He is a bright guy. I'm afraid he may already be infected. He fucks a lot this way and I'm really afraid I'll lose him."


The reason I ask if the friend understands the risks he is taking is because if he didn't, then a first step would be sharing those scientific facts in a non-pushy way and just letting him decide if he's comfortable with the level of risk at play in his sex life.

But it's rare that this is where the conversation goes because it's rare that the friend isn't fully aware of the risks he's taking. Which means he is engaging in a high risk activity because he gets something out of it.

Recently the Ottawa Police Service GLBT Liaison Committee promoted a workshop called "Flirting is Fun, But Not with Danger!" What a crock of shit. Flirting with danger is TOTALLY fun! But more to the point, often we flirt with danger because the possible gains outweigh the possible harms of whatever we're up to. For example, I know full well about the potential risks of doing E and how the comedown the next day will be a total drag but I still do it because I get lots of great things out of it. I feel less anxious, the music sounds better, dancing is more fun, sex can be great, I feel more connected to friends and to strangers, it's a break from the montony of everyday life, etc etc. Anyone trying to convince others that risk taking is all negative consequences is an idiot and is probably not very fun to hang out with either. If your friend knowingly takes risks while having sex, it's because he gets something out of it. There is some sort of payoff that makes it worthwhile.

When I suggest this to a chatter, sometimes he'll ask whether there's anything that can be done to change his friend's behaviour. Is it a hopeless cause?

I don't think it is, but the cause becomes more hopeless if your primary goal is to change your friend's behaviour. In case you haven't noticed, people don't like being told what to do, whether explicitly or implicitly.

What the barebacking bottom friend could probably use is a non-judgmental sounding board if and when he wants to chat about some of the anxieties or apprehensions he feels about taking risks in order to add pleasure to his life. Assume that your friend is smart and is fully aware that fucking without condoms both makes him feel good and, somewhere in the back of his mind, probably worries him a bit. Start by looking for examples in your own life where you do the exact same thing (over-eating? seeking others' approval? playing mind games with your boyfriend?...)

If you decide to talk to your friend about his sex life, here's what won't work:

• Suggesting answers to him or offering advice on what he should do
• Trying to pressure him
• Undermining the idea that he is a totally smart, rational guy who is in control of his own life and decisions
• Pleading with him
• Being self-righteous, patronizing, martyr-ish, passive aggressive or any other gross, creepy behaviour
  

Those won't have any effect except to encourage him to block you on Facebook and avoid you at parties.

If you decide to talk to your friend about his sex life, use "I statements" because the issue is not his sex life, but rather your feelings about his sex life. Don't talk about him, talk about you. I could picture myself saying something like this:

I know you are smart and in control of your own life and decisions. I have to admit that sometimes I feel anxious about the fact that you fuck without condoms. It's because I feel a lot of love for you and I am scared by the idea of you becoming HIV+. Even though HIV+ guys live for decades now, I can't help feeling anxious that I might lose you. I am scared to see you suffer. I know you have very good reasons for fucking without condoms. I know it must bring you pleasure or provide you with something good that you want. My goal here is to respect you and your choices and to find some personal peace about this. This is my issue, not yours. Would you be willing to share with me a bit about what you like about fucking without condoms so that I can understand why you choose to have high risk sex? I don't want to judge you or try to persuade you not to, I just want to understand your perspective as I try to make peace with my own anxieties.

But only say those things if they are true. If you say all that, listen to his answer and then try to persuade him to use condoms, it'll backfire. Just use "I statements" and talk about your own feelings, not his choices.

And if he tells you to piss off and mind your own business, do.